Chilvary Is Dead!
by wanderingmind911
Summary: Molly is not the prettiest, nor cleverist girl. But she's about to make Jack Spicer's day a whole lot worse. Because she doesn't just have the ShenGanWu. She IS the Shen Gan Wu. And there's only one way to get in out of her...
1. A Very Peaceful Afternoon NOT

**Author Notes: I do not Xiaolin Showdown. This is my first fic of this series so please be nice. If not well…Uhm, eat more pink cookies!**

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Chivalry Is Dead

**Chapter One**

"**Chuck Norris does not become the water, the water becomes Chuck Norris."**

**(My Brother in Law) **

To the world it began in 1542, when the Duke of Dire Field took his sister's necklace and ate it.

To Molly Osborne it was going to begin in fifteen minutes after she got kidnapped. She just didn't know it yet…

**2:43 p.m. Fort Myers, Florida **

**Molly **

I wasn't particularly in the kidnapping kind of mood that day. Quite frankly I wasn't in any kind of mood unless they have an emotion for 'I'm going to screw Andrew's brains out the moment he gets back from Dana's house.'

(Some people might take that the wrong way. To clear things up: no, I was not horny.)

(Not completely anyway.)

It was then, while I sat in my room, doing a whole lot of NOTHING (except contemplating Andrew's death), that Jack Spicer crashed through my window and hit the opposite wall. Except, I didn't know it was Jack Spicer. Not at the time. I thought it was a large, mutant crow with its head on fire. I know. Large mutant crow? Who would think it was a large, mutant crow? Well whose first guess it would be a robo-holic, nerd genius bent on taking over the world?

Yeah. That's what I thought.

"Who are you?" I asked.

The boy—not crow—got up and dusted himself off. "I am Jack Spicer: Evil boy genius!" He announced proudly.

Ooooook. SOMEONE has issues.

"Your parents must be proud," I muttered dryly.

The boy opened his mouth to retort, but something appeared through his head. A floating purple octopus thing. (Ok, you can't stand here and tell me you WOULD guess it was an evil, obnoxious witch!)

"Forget about it, Jack!" She hissed. "Get the Shen-Gan-Wu!"

"Shen-Gan-Wu," I said. "Right. And that's supposed to be…?"

"Don't play games!" Boy genius shrieked (he couldn't yell, poor thing). "Tell us where it is!"

"It," I pondered. "So I'm guessing you don't want my virginity?"

Evil boy genius stared. Evil boy genius turned pale.

Evil boy genius passed out. OK. What ELSE was I supposed to think it was? A country?

Octopus woman growled. "I know it's here! I sense it! But…where?"

She floated up to my face, and breathed. Hard. **Dear GOD. **It was bad enough to tranquilize a horse. Moreover, me.

Where am I again…?

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2:50 p.m. Fort Myers, Florida**

**Wuya and Jack**

"Most peculiar…" Wuya mused over the girl's unconscious body.

Jack stirred. "What…what happened?"

"I'll tell you what happened!" Wuya snapped. "You've spent so much time with female robots that whenever a real girl even MENTIONS anything about the birds and the bees you freeze up like a sniveling coward!"

"I do not!" Jack shouted defensively.

There was a long silence. Then, very bluntly, Wuya said, "Make out."

Jack shrieked and held both hands over his face. The heylin witch sighed. "Just as I feared," she said. "We will never be able to obtain this Shen-Gan-Wu."

Jack was confused. "Why? Where is it?"

"You're looking at her," Wuya said warily pointing. "That girl IS the Shen-Gan-Wu."

"No way!" Jack laughed. "That's impossible!"

"Oh but it's not," Wuya said. "We must take her back to your lair and figure out how this happened."

"Can't we do it here?" Jack asked. Wuya glared, which was answer enough. Sighing, Jack gathered the girl up and, with the witch, flew her back to his home.

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Xiaolin Temple 5:23 p.m.**

**Dragon Warriors**

"I don't get it!" Raimundo huffed. "We searched that apartment inside out and we didn't find a trace of the Shen-Gan-Wu! Are you sure you were right, Dojo?"

"Absolutely!" the dragon nodded.

Omi sighed. "This is most troubling."

Kimiko looked up from her laptop. "Maybe not," she said. "I did a web search on the Bracelet of Fortune. It says that in 1542 a Duke ate his sister's bracelet out of spite. It had the following charms—a pig, a lily, a frog, and a Sakura."

"That's it!" Dojo exclaimed. "The fulfillment of a pig, the serenity of a lily, the happiness of a bounding frog, and the abundance of the Sakura! That's the bracelet! And a mouthful."

"But do we round it up?" Clay asked.

Master Fung had the answer. "The energies of the bracelet must have transferred themselves from generation to generation. When the Shen-Gan-Wu reveled itself, it did through a person, the earliest heir."

"Who would that be, Master Fung?" Omi asked.

Kimiko had that answer. "Molly Osborne. Age 15. She lived in the apartment but was currently kidnapped."

"Spicer," Raimundo muttered unnecessarily.

"Well what are we waiting for?" Clay whooped. "Let's round this bull!"

"Not so fast Dragons," Master Fung said. "Getting the Wu from her will not be as simple as seeking her out."

"What must we do, master?" Omi asked.

Master Fung gulped. This would not be easy.

"One of you must…"

"_Yes_?" They all inquired.

"…Kiss her."

**And that's where I leave you! I'll update ASAP, if you like it, so tell me! Loves, Wandering Mind **


	2. Well This Sucks

**Author Notes: **Thank you for you reviews! I feel so humble when I get them and to know that you take time out of your schedules to read my stories well…I just wanna say thanks! LOVES!

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Chivalry Is Dead!

**Chapter Two**

"**Well…This Sucks."**

**Penguins, Madagascar **

Poor, poor Molly. Kidnapped by a royal idiot. How do you allow that to happen to yourself? Get kidnapped by an idiot…I mean REALLY! It's Jack Spicer! Anyway…on with the story…(seriously though…JACK SPICER! He can barely find his pants in the morning! She must really be stupid…)

**Jack's House, 5:24 p.m. **

**Jack and Wuya**

"**I HAVE TO WHAT? ARE YOU _MAD _WOMAN?" **

Wuya rubbed the spit off her face. "Yes, Jack, you must actually HAVE some mouth to mouth contact with a member of the opposite sex. I know it must be hard for you to believe that it's possible, considering you've never had eye contact with a girl without her pulling out mace."

Jack crossed his arms. "That's so not fair! I've seen Kimiko!"

"She doesn't count," Wuya said. "That girl is less girl and more of a maneater."

"You mean she's lesbian?" Jack squealed getting excited. Or, as excited, as he could get. Which isn't very, all considering.

Wuya sighed. Who would've thought her plans for world domination were doomed because her henchmen couldn't make a move? No, actually, he could. But it usually ended in a woman shocked from horror, and a lawsuit.

Well, at least it's something!

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Jack's Lair, 7:24 p.m.**

**Molly**

Uuuuuurgh. I felt smashed.

It wasn't even the good kind of smashed, either. Ohhhhhh no. Definitely can't be the kind of smashed where you've been out laughing with your friends all night and have a great time. That'd actually mean something was going right in my life. Couldn't have that now, could we? It's like the eleventh commandment: THOU SHALT NOT GIVETH MOLLY A FREAKIN' BREAKTH!

I am a prisoner of my own self being.

And now, I am a prisoner of a boy who thinks he is actually smart. (Newsflash: smart people do not break into an apartment window in the middle of the day. Nor do they were black coats in the middle of Florida afternoon.) But there is hope still! I'm sure at any moment now Italy will notice I am missing and phone the police.

Unless Italy has could care less that I'm gone…

Drat. I'm screwed. (Perhaps, literally.)

I pick myself off the cold hard metal (hmmm I guess Jack: Evil Genius doesn't know where or what a MATRESS is), and look around. Two words came to mind: interior decorator. Desperately. Unless he was _going_ for the freakishly bland 'I have absolutely NO life' look then kudos to him. He's got it down to a T. What a great way to pick up the ladies. NOT.

As if on cue the red haired crow AKA Jack Spicer emerged from the darkness. He asked, "Do you like it? It's my evil lair."

"You call your basement a _lair_?" I spat. "Who are you…Dr. No?" No doubt he had ZERO idea who I was talking about.

(Neither did I, but that's not the point.)

Crow boy glared like a two year old. "I'll have you know I spent a good portion of my life building this work of art!"

"No doubt you did," I muttered.

"Yes," He said proudly (proudly? He's proud of this crap?) "I did. And now I have something ELSE to show you!"

Suddenly I felt very faint and with good reason. "J-Jack wait!" I screamed, as he leaned forward puckering up his lips. I don't think the cold sore on his lip was what he wanted to show me. I HOPE not.

"Jack…" I stuttered. "Really now. Couldn't you give me a minute to uhm…rest?"

"Really?" he squealed. "You mean you'll actually _consider _making out with me?"

I'm going to regret this dearly. "Yeah…sure. Just let me rest a little. Actually, I'm feeling a bit thirsty, and making out with a parched tongue is no fun, so could you get me a Ginger Ale and _Cosmo_ mag?"

Jack, with a certain smug glee, snapped his fingers. Instantly two of his robot droids came, one with the soda, and the other with the Cosmo.

(Ok. Is just me or does anyone else find it creepy that Jack's robots carry Cosmos?)

"I'll be back soon, my sweet Mandy!" Jack swooned.

"It's Molly." I corrected. Boy Genius shrugged his shoulders.

I opened the Cosmo. This is not going to end well. (Not for me anyway. Jack'll probably have the time of his life sucking my soul with his sore covered lips.)

(Ugh I don't even want to think about it.)

(Too late.)

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Xiaolin Temple, 9:45 p.m.**

**Xiaolin Warriors**

Raimundo was rejoicing.

"We have to kiss a girl?" Rai rejoiced. "This is the best Shen Gan Wu EVER!"

Kimiko glared. "Why can't we just use the Serpent's Tail to get it out of her, master Fung?"

"In order to protect itself after being eaten, the Shen Gan Wu must've dispersed itself into a form of energy," The wise man explained. "So, the Wu itself is not actually there, but the energy of it is. In order to make it whole again the barer must experience an intense emotion."

"Such as kissing?" Omi asked.

"Kissing is not an emotion young monk." Master Fung said. "But the feeling with it is. One of you must woo (sp?) it out of her."

"Dojo laughed. "Woo it out of her! Good one Master Fung!"

"I try," the master shrugged.

Omi jumped up. "I shall be the one to retrieve the Wu Master Fung! She will be most impressed with my Lotus Strike and quiet intensity!" At this, he waggled his eyebrows.

"Oooook," Kimiko sighed, "Omi is out of the game…"

"But I!"

"….And I can't do it obviously so that leaves…"

"ME!" Raimundo shouted, jumping forward and flexing his…ah…_muscles._

Kimiko was miffed. "Uh, _Hello_? What about Clay?"

"What about _me_?" Omi cried.

Raimundo laughed. "Puh-lease. We can't risk it with Clay; he's too old fashioned. Besides, no beautiful girl can resist _me_."

"Oh?" Kimiko asked dryly. "And what am I?"

Rai blushed. "Uhmmm…average?"

"Some _charm_," Kimiko huffed, walking off.

Omi waved his hand up frantically. "I have charm! Pick _me_!"

Master Fung came forward. "Raimundo, since you feel you are so ready, I'll give you the Tiger Claws. Remember: the fate of the world rests on your shoulders."

"Not my shoulders Master Fung," Rai smirked, "my _manliness_. TIGER CLAWS!"

Master Fung sighed and left the room. Omi just stood there.

"It seems I have a flaw with women," he realized. "I must reflect upon this!"

So Omi went to reflect his flaw with women. Good luck with that!

**Will Rai woo Molly? Is Kimiko Jealous? Can Omi find the secret of women? And what about Clay? Is his pride broken? **

**Molly: **Here's a question: is Jack gay?

**Jack: **WHAT? I am SO not gay!

**Molly: **Just keep telling yourself that Jack…


	3. A Successful Failure!

**Author Notes: **Hey people. Just letting ya'll know that I'm going to be gone for two weeks starting Sunday, and then school starts right after that, so I may not get the chance to update for a while. As always read and review!

--Loves, W.M.911

**Chilvary Is Dead!**

**Chapter Three**

Ok, so it's like, if you kidnapped Michelle, and then I un-kidnapped her under the pretenses that I _was_ kidnapping her, would I be rescuing Michelle or re-kidnapping her?

**Me, discussing the chapter with Jule **

Alas, from where our story has left off Molly is…still being held captive by Jack Spicer. I wish I had bought some stock because stupidity is at an all time high.

**Molly: **Ok! That's it! All you've done is dissed me this ENITRE story! It's getting OLD!

**Narrator: **Oh, and your constant wining ISN'T?

**Molly: **YOU ASKED FOR IT! (Begins beating Narrator). Who is behind the the paper bag…OH MY GOD…IT'S…

**Narrator: **Start the story! START THE STORY!

**Jack's Evil Lair, 9:47 p.m. **

**Molly**

I'm glad Jack considers _**soon** _two painfully boring hours and thee rounds ofthe song99 bottles of beer LATER, and counting. Really, I am. It's given me a chance to do more of absolutely nothing, except dread a kiss that will end my miserable hormone-driven life. At least I have a Cosmo. Oh, wait. The Cosmo is a waste of time since there are no articles on _Escaping Evil Lairs _or _Avoiding Cold Sore Kisses. _

God! Stupid Cosmo. Stupid Hormones. Stupid Madonna song stuck in the back of my head because thinking of Jack makes me think of her. (You're better off if you don't ask why.)

_Sigh_. I need a drink. Actually I need several things: deoderant, Brandon Routh's soul, ten billion dollars. A life. Important stuff like that. But as of right now I need a drink. Or, a knight in shining armor who is Brandon Routh with ten billion dollars and a drink. Did you hear that great spirits--Bhudda, Zues, whoever--could you show a little mercy to good old Molly?

No sooner had I wished it than the air _literally _ripped over, and there in front of me stood a boy.

Waggling his eyebrows he said, "I heard a princess needed help?"

My jaw dropped open. Uhm hello? Great spirits? Were you NOT listening? Do you need a hearing aide or something?Correct me if I'm wrong but thinkI said Brandon Routh! _Brandon Routh_! Does that look like Brandon Routh? No, I don't think so! It looks like a pretty boy in tights to me! Only Brandon could pull of tights not…

"Excuse me," I asked, "what's your name?"

"_Raimundo_," he said seductively.

Right. Not Raimundo.

**Xiaolin Temple, 9:49 p.m. **

**Kimiko and Clay**

Kimiko was fuming.

"I can't _believe _Rai!" She fumed fumingly. "Who does he think he IS? Average! Me—average! That stupid little… I'll show _him_ average!"

As it happened Clay was walking around the corner just in time to see Kimiko torch twenty Jack dummies at once.

"You ok Kimiko?" He asked.

Wrong question. "Of course I'm fine CLAY! Why wouldn't I be fine? See this? This is me! And this is me being FINE!" With that Kimiko shot the Star of Hanabai (sp?) at the wall, burning a large hole right through.

"See?" Kimiko panted. "Perfectly…fine."

Clay stood frozen knowing the wrong words could possibly result in the destruction of humanity, as they knew it. Or worse...his hat!Luckily Kimiko sat on the ground and put her head on her hands.

"Well," she admitted. "I guess I am a little upset."

The cowboy sat next to her. "Rai's just bein' Rai," he said sounding knowledgably, when in fact the sentence was quite redundant. "He'll come around."

"I guess so," Kimiko sighed. Then she asked, "Are you upset, too?"

"About what?" Clay asked.

"About, you know, Rai calling you too old fashioned." She sounded concerned, but really Kimiko just wanted someone else to be mad at Rai with her, so she'd have someone to talk about the Brazilian with.

Clay shrugged. "He's right. I'm a bit too country for them city girls."

"Oh," she said, disappointed. Why thought? It's not like she was jealous—or was she? Did she want to talk about Rai because she hated him—or because hefascinated her? Kimiko sighed.

It was all too confusing.

**Jack's Lair, 9:51 **

**Raimundo**

"For the last time," the girl argued, "it's not going to open by you kicking the door."

Raimundo stepped back, panting. That door was tough. WAY tough. He'd have to find another way to get her out…but how? Aha! Reaching into his pocket he took out the Needle of Tal: a crafty little thing that could pick any lock. The reason he hadn't used it before was because he wanted to impress the girl with his mad skills.

Not that it mattered. "I don't go out with pretty boys," she informed him moments after his arrival, "so even if you save me, don't expect some magical fairytale kiss."

"We'll see about that Ms…?"

"Molly," she replied dryly. "And don't call me Ms." (Again: Raimundo already knew her name, but decided to pretend not to, so he could use his alluring bow and hand gesture.)

Cracking his knuckles Raimundo took out the Needle. "Needle of Tal!" He shouted, but just as he did so, a large shadow loomed over him. The girl's eyebrow's raised as she looked up.

"What…is it?" He asked.

"See for yourself," Molly said. Raimundo turned. His screams of terror barely left before he was struck down unconscious.

**Jack's Lair, 9:53**

**Molly**

"Ok. I'm no regular to the damsel in distress thing but isn't the knight suppose to _save _the princess, not get locked in the cage with her?"

"Stow it," Pretty Boy grumbled.

**Uh-oh. It seems Rai has failed in the saving of Molly! How will they get out of this one? What was the thing that attacked him? And is Kimiko jealous?**

**Kimiko: **I AM NOT JEALOUS!

**Riiiight….**

**Read and Review, **

**Wandering Mind **


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